7 Signs You’re Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship — and How to Break the Cycle

You want love. You want connection. But somehow, your relationships keep falling apart — and a growing part of you is starting to wonder: Is it me?

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Self-sabotage in relationships is surprisingly common, and often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. These behaviors are usually driven by deep-seated fears, past trauma, or limiting beliefs that act like hidden landmines. The good news? Once you become aware of the patterns, you can begin to break the cycle and build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Here are seven signs you may be self-sabotaging your relationship — and what you can do to stop.

1. You Push People Away When They Get Too Close

On the surface, everything seems fine — until emotional intimacy deepens. Suddenly, you feel the urge to pull back, criticize, or create distance. You might pick fights, become overly critical, or retreat emotionally.

Why it happens: Fear of vulnerability or past betrayal can trigger a subconscious belief that closeness equals danger. It’s a defense mechanism meant to protect you — but it often leaves you isolated and misunderstood.

Break the cycle: Start small. Let yourself be seen a little more each time. Practice sharing thoughts or feelings that feel vulnerable. Therapy or journaling can help you explore the root of your fears and reframe intimacy as something safe and rewarding.

2. You Expect Things to Go Wrong

Do you assume the worst will happen in your relationship — even when things are going well? Maybe you catch yourself thinking, They’ll leave eventually or This is too good to last.

Why it happens: This is often rooted in negative core beliefs, like “I’m not worthy of love” or “People can’t be trusted.” These thoughts act like self-fulfilling prophecies, influencing how you behave and ultimately shaping the outcome of your relationship.

Break the cycle: Challenge these beliefs. Write them down, then ask yourself: Is this absolutely true? Practice replacing negative thoughts with more balanced ones like, “It’s okay to enjoy this relationship” or “I deserve love and stability.”

3. You Sabotage Moments of Joy or Connection

You’re having a good time — laughing, feeling close — and then suddenly, you say something hurtful, bring up an old issue, or shut down. It’s as if you can’t allow the moment to last.

Why it happens: When joy feels unfamiliar or undeserved, it can trigger anxiety. You might unconsciously believe you need to “balance” the good with something bad.

Break the cycle: Notice your emotional reactions during moments of connection. Breathe through the discomfort rather than acting on it. Over time, your nervous system will learn that joy doesn’t have to come with a price.

4. You Test Your Partner’s Love Constantly

Do you create scenarios to see if your partner will stick around? Maybe you withhold affection, pick fights, or make them “prove” their loyalty again and again.

Why it happens: This often stems from attachment wounds. If you’ve experienced abandonment or inconsistency in early relationships, you may fear love isn’t reliable — so you test it to feel safe.

Break the cycle: Acknowledge the part of you that craves reassurance. Then communicate openly instead of testing. Say, “I’m feeling insecure right now — can you remind me that we’re okay?” Learning to ask for what you need directly builds trust and security.

5. You Lose Yourself in the Relationship

In an effort to keep your partner happy, you might stop speaking up for your needs, give up your interests, or become overly accommodating. While it may seem like you’re being loving, this can actually erode your sense of self — and lead to resentment.

Why it happens: This behavior often stems from low self-worth or a fear of abandonment. You may believe that being “easy” or agreeable is the only way to be loved.

Break the cycle: Reconnect with yourself. Spend time doing things that fulfill you outside the relationship. Practice saying “no” or expressing a different opinion, even in small ways. A healthy relationship allows room for both people to be fully themselves.

6. You Struggle to Trust — Even Without Evidence

You might constantly question your partner’s motives, snoop through messages, or assume they’re hiding something — even if they’ve done nothing to betray you.

Why it happens: Past betrayal, abandonment, or childhood instability can make it hard to feel safe. You may project old wounds onto your current partner, even if they haven’t given you a reason to doubt them.

Break the cycle: Work on building emotional safety — both internally and within the relationship. Therapy, especially modalities like EMDR or trauma-focused CBT, can help heal the underlying trust issues. In the meantime, try replacing assumptions with curiosity. Ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions.

7. You Choose Partners Who Reinforce Negative Beliefs

If you repeatedly date people who are emotionally unavailable, critical, or unreliable, it’s time to ask: Am I choosing partners who mirror how I feel about myself?

Why it happens: We tend to gravitate toward the familiar — even if it’s unhealthy. If chaos, rejection, or neglect were part of your early life, they may feel like “home.”

Break the cycle: Become conscious of your patterns. Ask yourself: Would I choose this person if I truly believed I was worthy of love and respect? Surround yourself with examples of healthy love — in friends, mentors, books, or media. The more you normalize healthy dynamics, the more likely you are to seek them out.

You Can Change the Story

Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re broken — it means you’re human. Most of us develop these patterns as a way to survive, not to destroy. The key is bringing awareness to your behavior, showing yourself compassion, and being willing to choose differently, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Healing isn’t linear, and it takes time. But every small act of courage — every honest conversation, every moment you choose connection over fear — rewires your patterns and moves you closer to the kind of love you truly deserve. 

This sort of change can be extra hard to do on your own, so if you’re feeling overwhelmed, let our expert therapists at Manhattan Wellness help you on your journey. If you’re ready to start changing your patterns, reach out to us today to get started – here’s how:

1. Get the support you need to have your best summer yet!
2. Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
3. Learn More About Our Team

THERAPY SERVICES FOR DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS WE OFFER IN MANHATTAN & BROOKLYN, NEW YORK

If the journey of being a happy, single person feels challenging, seeking professional support can be a valuable resource. Therapists are trained to help individuals navigate their emotions, explore personal goals, and develop strategies for finding fulfillment. Through therapy, you can gain insights into patterns of thinking and behavior, identify areas for growth and receive guidance on building a positive and meaningful life.

Our society often prioritizes romantic relationships, but learning how to be happy as a single person is a powerful and transformative journey. It’s a time for self-reflection, personal growth and the cultivation of genuine happiness that comes from within. By embracing solitude, practicing self-love, building meaningful connections and setting personal goals, you can navigate the single life with confidence. Remember that being single is not a state of lack but an opportunity for fulfillment. Embrace your journey, focus on your well-being and fall in love with yourself!

1. Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
2. Learn More About Our Team of Female Therapists and Our Areas of Expertise
3. Let’s Talk About How We Can Help You Feel Empowered & Ready To Take The Next Step. 

OTHER THERAPY SERVICES OFFERED IN MANHATTAN, BROOKLYN, & THROUGHOUT NEW YORK

We offer a diverse range of individual counseling services and couples therapy. Our dedicated therapists can help with stress management, symptoms of depression, self-esteem challenges, and college student counseling. Additionally, we specialize in offering support for addressing body image concerns, and navigating the unique challenges faced by women, among other aspects. If you need support, reach out to connect with a therapist.