Have you ever said “yes” to something you really didn’t want to do, just to avoid disappointing someone? Maybe you’ve stayed late at work even when you were drained, or agreed to weekend plans when all you wanted was rest. You might just have an overall feeling that people are asking too much of you. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us are conditioned to prioritize others’ comfort, happiness, or approval over our own needs. But constantly people-pleasing leads to resentment, burnout, disconnection from your true self, and even health issues.
The truth is, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s an essential act of self-respect and self-care. And, contrary to popular belief, setting boundaries actually improves our relationships and leads to more authentic connection in the long run. Let’s explore how to move from chronic people-pleasing to living in alignment with your needs, values, and emotional well-being.
1. Identify Your Needs
During times when you feel overextended, in situations that make you anxious, or involved in dynamics that leave you feeling guilty or exhausted, boundaries can help you prioritize your needs. Boundaries can come up in a lot of ways: they can exist around time, money, physical space, work, sex, energy and more. Notice what comes up in your body in those situations – physical discomfort can be a sign that a boundary is being crossed. Remember that you’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to say, “That doesn’t work for me.”
A few key areas of your life may feel especially overwhelming, and it can help to start with the big picture of your values and goals. What matters most to you right now? What brings you joy, peace, or a sense of purpose?
Maybe you value creativity but never leave space for it because you’re too busy meeting others’ expectations. Or, maybe you crave alone time to decompress but say yes to all the invitations that come your way, leaving your calendar packed with social events. Once you know your priorities, it becomes easier to see which commitments support your well-being—and which ones don’t.
2. Practice Saying “No”
Saying no is a skill—and like any skill, it takes practice. For chronic people-pleasers, saying no or speaking up about a boundary might feel uncomfortable or even downright terrifying. Start small. Try declining one request that you’re genuinely uncomfortable with or that drains your energy.
It can be helpful to have go-to phrases ready:
- “Thanks so much for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.”
- “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.”
- “I can’t this time.”
You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation, and you don’t need to feel guilty. Every time you say no to something you don’t feel comfortable with, you’re saying yes to yourself.
Notice how it felt to say no. It’s okay if it was hard—setting boundaries often means speaking up for your needs, even when it’s uncomfortable. For now, after you set a boundary, take a moment to celebrate the fact that you did it.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are how we teach people to treat us. They’re not about controlling others or being selfish—they’re about protecting your energy, time, and emotional health and setting a sustainable, comfortable, and nourishing dynamic within relationships.
Start by defining your limits. Revisit what you’re uncomfortable with or where resentment is popping up. What about these situations make you feel uneasy, resentful, or overwhelmed? What are specific boundaries you could set?
Then, communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. Whether it’s letting a friend know you need a night in, or telling a coworker you’re not available after hours, your clarity is an act of care.
If someone pushes back or ignores your limits, stay firm. You don’t have to justify your needs. Enforcing boundaries is just as important as setting them.
4. Cultivate Self-Compassion and Assertiveness
People-pleasing often stems from a deep belief that your worth is tied to being liked, agreeable, or “easy.” But you are worthy—even when you say no, when someone is disappointed, or when you put yourself first.
Practice self-kindness. When you feel guilt or self-doubt, offer yourself the same compassion you’d give a friend. Remind yourself: “I’m allowed to honor my needs” and “I don’t have to make myself smaller to be loved.”
Challenge negative self-talk with gentler, truer statements:
- “My needs are valid.”
- “I can be kind and assertive.”
- “It’s safe to take care of myself.”
Assertiveness is not aggression or asking “too much.” It’s simply the confidence to express what you need, feel, and believe—while respecting others.
You Don’t Have to Be Everything for Everyone
Learning to stop people-pleasing and start setting boundaries is a journey, not a destination. It requires practice, patience, and a lot of self-compassion. But every time you honor your truth, you build a stronger relationship with yourself.
So ask yourself: Where in your life do you feel stretched thin or taken for granted? What boundary can you set today that would feel like an act of self-love?
You don’t have to be everything for everyone. You just have to be true to you.
THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN MANHATTAN & BROOKLYN, NEW YORK
At Manhattan Wellness, we know that setting boundaries can be incredibly empowering—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Whether you’re navigating relationships, family dynamics, work stress, or simply learning to prioritize your own needs, the process of creating and holding boundaries can feel overwhelming.
You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Our team is here to help you build the confidence and clarity you need to set boundaries that support your well-being and align with your values.
Ready to take the next step? Here’s how:
- Get Support As You Find Your Path!
- Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
- Learn More About Our Team of Therapists and Our Therapy Specialists
FEEL MORE CONFIDENT WITH THERAPY FOR WOMEN IN BROOKLYN & MANHATTAN, NEW YORK
At Manhattan Wellness, we understand that with all the messages we receive from the world, it can be difficult to maintain a positive narrative about ourselves. From social media, movies, and even people close to us, it can be hard to drown out the negative. So much so that our inner critic takes over and we forget to show ourselves the same compassion as others. That’s why our female therapists want to support you in building the confidence you need to reach your highest potential. Let us help you create an empowering narrative that will benefit all aspects of your life, from personal to professional. If you are interested in beginning counseling for women:
- Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
- Learn More About Our Team and Our Areas of Expertise
- Begin Seeing Yourself in a Whole New Light!
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES OFFERED IN MANHATTAN, WESTCHESTER BROOKLYN, & THROUGHOUT NEW YORK
At Manhattan Wellness, our therapists are here to support you in navigating this journey and reclaiming your identity. So you can take control of your life and create the future you’ve been dreaming of. This is why we offer a variety of services to ensure you get the support, care, and guidance necessary. The therapy services we offer are Self-Esteem Counseling and Anxiety Treatment, along with Dating/Relationship Counseling, Counseling for College Students, and more. Feel as if you are not living the life you deserve? Let’s talk about it.
