Setting Boundaries for Self-Love: The Art of Saying No and Ending People-Pleasing

For many of us, setting boundaries is one of the most difficult things we can do. Whether it be expressing our needs in a relationship, setting aside time for self care and closing the work laptop, or communicating expectations with family and friends, setting boundaries often involves us getting outside of our comfort zone. In most cases, that comfort zone involves people-pleasing and putting others’ needs before our own. 

People-pleasing at its core means rejecting your own comfort and needs in order to fulfill those of others. It often occurs because we’re scared of rejection, we have deep rooted insecurities or anxieties surrounding relationships, or because somehow along the way we’ve learned that people may leave us or not see us as important if we aren’t constantly doing for them. Further, people-pleasing is a pattern that we may not even know we’ve fallen into until suddenly we have found ourselves last on our own priority list!

In order to interrupt this harmful pattern and start to cultivate self-compassion in the form of self-prioritization, we must learn to set boundaries. More often than not, the biggest opportunity we can use to set boundaries is through learning to say no.  Here are three significant areas and ways where you can begin to practice saying no and prioritize self care!

In Your Social and Dating Life

How many times a week do you find you are dragging yourself to social events or obligations because you’re scared of missing out? How about agreeing to dates or activities you don’t want to go to because you don’t want to seem ‘difficult’? All too often we compromise time for self care, rest, or more meaningful activities because we’re worried about disappointing others, or because we’re anxious about what they may think of us if we say “no”. 

In reality, the people who truly care about us- and who we care about- would never scrutinize the decision to sit one party out to take some time to rest and restore. And, missing that one party will likely not change the course of our friendships with the people who are attending. Similarly, a potential romantic partner who actually respects our interests and needs would likely not judge us for suggesting an alternative activity or postponing a date in order to recuperate. The root of people-pleasing stems from these insecurities about others’ perceptions of and feelings towards us, and makes us feel like we cannot say “no” if we want to maintain these relationships.

However, saying “no” is crucial to building boundaries in these relationships and creating opportunities for self care. So, next time you’re invited to something, ask yourself, “Do I really want to go to this?”. If not, start by being candid and honest with the person who invited you. This could sound something like, “Thank you so much for inviting me, but I have to be honest; I have had the longest week, and really think I need to stay in tonight to get some rest. I would love to see you next week, though, to catch up if you have some free time!”. In this way, we are being honest with ourselves, our friend, and taking some of the pressure off of missing out on seeing this friend. To take it one step further, you may even consider journaling afterwards about how it felt to set that boundary. Think through the following questions: What immediate feelings came up when the conversation ended? What types of self care activities can you plan to make the night special for yourself? What kinds of negative self talk may be coming up surrounding your friendships that you can mitigate by grounding yourself in reality? Instead of that party, what in this moment would actually bring you joy and self love?

At Work

For many of us, work can be an extremely overwhelming environment. Part of that is created by the culture that has permeated many of our work environments, in which we may feel expected to work long hours, prioritize our jobs at the expense of our mental and physical health, or experience low self esteem because of high expectations at work. The first and perhaps most important step in loving ourselves and fighting work burnout is indeed setting boundaries and saying “no”. 

This may involve closing the laptop after 5pm and setting a hard deadline for yourself to do so, or it may be something like saying “no” to taking on extra work if you already feel like your plate is full. We may be extra fearful to set those boundaries when it comes to our work, but in the long run this will set you up to be more productive, as well as set the standard for the working relationship between you and your superiors. If you can learn to say “no” early on, this will create an open dialogue and sense of personal responsibility between you and your team. Further, you can also practice saying “no” by just being open and honest with your supervisor and initiating conversations about your needs and workload. For example, it can be something as simple as saying, “I just wanted to give you a heads up that I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and for this week I don’t feel comfortable taking on ‘xyz’. More than happy to discuss alternatives, and would love your input if you have any suggestions for how to better balance what I have on my plate at the moment”. It may seem scary, but ultimately your coworkers will respect your openness and honesty!

With Your Family

Family relationships can feel extremely taxiing on our mental health, as there may be that added layer of obligation to loved ones. However, we can quickly become burned out if we are constantly supporting our family members over ourselves. Whether you have a younger sibling who likes to come to you for advice, parents who expect you to call everyday, or frequent family gatherings you feel pressured to attend, we all have moments where we feel stretched too thin by our family’s needs. 

Setting boundaries with family members is a great way to start practicing saying “no”, and also can be a good source of support if you are feeling overwhelmed and in need of encouragement. Similar to other people in your life, the first step could just simply be being honest. Maybe this looks like calling up your sibling and saying, “I love you and will always be here for you, but at this moment I am feeling a bit stressed myself and don’t feel I have the emotional capacity to support you as best as I can. Do you mind if I call you tomorrow instead?”. Similarly, try expressing to your parents that you’re juggling too many responsibilities in the day, and suggest a longer facetime or in person dinner later in the week in lieu of the multiple phone calls. 

Leading up to these conversations, it can feel like saying “no” is the end of the world. But, the close people in your life ultimately love you and will want you to take the time you need to care for yourself. At work, setting these boundaries will ultimately allow you to take on more, build trust and open communication with your coworkers, and feel more balanced in your day. The sooner you start setting these boundaries, the lighter saying “no” will feel!

And, you don’t have to start these practices alone! At Manhattan Wellness, our therapists are here to support you in navigating this journey and reclaiming your boundaries so you can take control of your life. This is why we offer a variety of services to ensure you get the support, care, and guidance necessary. The therapy services we offer include Self-Esteem Counseling, Anxiety Treatment, Dating/Relationship Counseling, Counseling for College Students, and more. Feel as if you are not living the life you deserve? Let’s talk about it. 

If you are interested in beginning counseling for women:

1. Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
2. Learn More About Our Team and Our Areas of Expertise
3. Begin Seeing Yourself in a Whole New Light!

FIGURE OUT WHAT SUCCESS LOOKS LIKE FOR YOU WITH THERAPY FOR WOMEN IN MANHATTAN & BROOKLYN

The truth is, there’s no single or one-size-fits-all approach to anxiety treatment. Everyone has a different approach to managing anxiety and anxious thoughts. That is why it’s important to get clear on what works for you. Once you have a better understanding of yourself and your values, you can start designing your life based on the things that are most important to you. 

Therapy for women in Manhattan and Brooklyn is a great way to figure out how to manage your anxious mind. At Manhattan Wellness, we will provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and goals. So you can find clarity on what you want for yourself. We will pair your vulnerability with our empathy and encouragement. Then together we will uncover the key elements that will take you from where you are now to where you want to be. If you are ready to make the changes you want in your life:

1. Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
2. Learn More About Our Team of Female Therapists and Our Areas of Expertise
3. Let’s Talk About How We Can Help You Feel Empowered & Ready To Take The Next Step. 

We believe that you have the power within yourself to make the changes you want and find your version of success. Our female therapists are here to support you in navigating this journey. Allowing you to reclaim your identity and take control of your life. Thus allowing you to create the future you’ve been dreaming of.

OTHER THERAPY SERVICES AT MANHATTAN WELLNESS IN NEW YORK

At Manhattan Wellness, our therapists are here to support you in navigating this journey and reclaiming your identity. So you can take control of your life and create the future you’ve been dreaming of. This is why we offer a variety of services to ensure you get the support, care, and guidance necessary. The therapy services we offer are Therapy for Maternal Mental Health, Self-Esteem Counseling, and Anxiety Treatment. Along with Dating/Relationship Counseling, Counseling for College Students, and more. Feel as if you are not living the life you deserve? Let’s talk about