For many people, affirmations feel awkward or a little cringey at first, and that reaction is completely human. Positive affirmations can sound cheesy, forced, or even a little “woo woo,” especially if the words feel very far from how you actually see yourself. At the same time, many people notice that when they practice certain phrases regularly, something starts to shift in how they relate to themselves. Despite their reputation for sounding overly positive or unrealistic, affirmations have a significant amount of psychological research supporting them.
In therapy, we are less interested in affirmations as ~magic spells~ and more interested in them as tools for gently training your mind toward a different way of seeing yourself. When they are grounded, realistic, and paired with action, affirmations can help build self-esteem and self-confidence over time. That uncomfortable feeling you get when you try to say something kind about yourself is often the very reason affirmations matter.
What are affirmations, really?
At their core, affirmations are intentional statements that reflect the kind of person you want to be, the values you want to live by, or the way you would like to relate to yourself. They can sound like:
- “I am learning to treat myself with more kindness.”
- “My worth is not defined by what I accomplish today.”
- “I am allowed to take up space in my relationships.”
In psychology, there is a related concept called self-affirmation theory, which suggests that when our sense of self is threatened, reflecting on our important values and strengths can help restore a broader sense of self-worth.
This is slightly different from simply repeating “I am beautiful” in the mirror. Self-affirmation, in the research sense, often looks like writing about what matters most to you, why it matters, and how you try to live those values, which can buffer you against stress and self-doubt.
Why affirmations can feel uncomfortable or fake
One of the most common experiences people have with affirmations is discomfort. You say “I am lovable” and immediately hear a louder internal voice say, “No you are not.” That tension is not a sign that you are broken. It is a sign that your affirmation may have jumped too far away from what you currently believe.
Research backs this up. In one well-known study, people with low self-esteem actually felt worse after repeating overly positive self-statements like “I am a lovable person,” because the statement clashed so significantly with their existing beliefs about themselves.
Your brain also tends to fight information that contradicts your current “story” about yourself. If your story is “I am not good enough,” then a bold, sweeping affirmation can feel like a lie. That inner “this is not true” reaction is not a failure. It is information about where you are starting from. Affirmations that work usually meet you closer to where you are and then move you one or two steps forward, not twenty.
How affirmations help us practice new mindsets
More grounded affirmation practices can actually help you shift toward healthier beliefs. Self-affirmation interventions in research, where people reflect on their core values, have been shown to reduce defensiveness, improve coping with stress, and even support better health and academic outcomes over time.
Neuroscience studies also suggest that affirming important values activates brain regions involved in reward, self-related processing, and future planning, which may help people be more open to change.
This overlaps with research around the idea of a “growth mindset” from Carol Dweck’s work. When you believe your traits can change with effort and support, you are more likely to try new strategies, persist through challenges, and revise how you see yourself over time. when realistic, can be one small way of practicing that growth-based way of thinking.
Self-esteem, self-compassion, and kinder inner language
It’s also helpful to think about affirmations as a doorway into self-compassion, not just self-esteem. Self-esteem is about how positively you evaluate yourself overall. Self-compassion is about how you treat yourself when you are struggling.
Self-compassion is linked to greater emotional resilience, less anxiety and depression, and more stable, less fragile self-worth over time. Self-compassionate people still hold themselves accountable, but they do so with warmth rather than harshness.
Seen this way, affirmations are not about insisting “I am amazing” all the time. They are often about talking to yourself more like you would talk to a dear friend. For example:
- Instead of “I am a failure,” trying “I had a hard day, and I am still worthy of care.”
- Instead of “Nothing will ever change,” trying “Change takes time and I am willing to learn and put in the effort”
These kinds of statements are both kinder and more believable, which makes them more likely to stick.
Making affirmations realistic and effective
Rather than using affirmations as a quick fix, try thinking of them as a practice in aligning your words, your beliefs, and your behavior. A few guidelines can help:
Choose “bridge” statements, not impossible ones.
If “I love my body” feels completely untrue, you might begin with “I respect my body,” or “My body deserves basic care even when I do not like how it looks.”
Keep them specific and process focused.
“I am becoming more confident speaking up in meetings” is more concrete than “I am confident.” It describes a process you can notice and support with action.
Link them to values, not just appearance or achievement.
Self-affirmation research emphasizes reflecting on values like kindness, creativity, family, or integrity, and how you live them in daily life.
Check the “believability scale.”
After you say an affirmation, ask yourself, on a scale from 0 to 10, “How true does this feel right now?” If you are below a 4, soften or adjust the wording until you feel at least a 5 or 6.
Pair affirmations with small aligned actions.
“I am worthy of rest” lands more deeply if you also close your laptop on time tonight. “I am learning to set boundaries” is reinforced when you practice saying no to one small request. Over time, the repetition of kinder language plus aligned behavior can start to update your internal story about who you are.
A simple affirmation practice to try
If you want to experiment with affirmations in a grounded way, you might try this brief daily routine:
Identify the story you are stuck in.
For example: “I always mess things up,” or “I am too much,” or “I do not deserve love unless I am perfect.”
Choose a value you care about.
Maybe you care about honesty, creativity, kindness, or growth.
Write a value based affirmation that gently challenges the old story.
For example: “Even when I make mistakes, I am committed to showing up with honesty and care” or “My sensitivity can be a strength when I use it to be compassionate with others and myself.”
Say it slowly, once in the morning and once at night.
Notice what feelings or resistance come up, without judging yourself for them.
Look for one small action that fits.
Ask yourself, “What is one tiny way I can live this statement today?” Then do that thing, even if it feels small. This is not about instant transformation. It is about practicing, repeatedly, the kinds of thoughts and choices that slowly cultivate a sturdier, kinder sense of self.
When affirmations are not enough
Sometimes affirmations stir up strong emotions, especially if you have a history of trauma, bullying, or chronic criticism. In those cases, repeating positive phrases on your own can feel invalidating or even triggering. You might need first to tell the fuller story of where your beliefs about yourself came from, and to have those experiences witnessed and validated in a therapeutic space.
If you notice that affirmations leave you feeling worse, more ashamed, or more “fake,” that is an important signal to slow down and get more support. It may be that different tools, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, self-compassion work, or trauma informed approaches, are a better starting place, with affirmations used gently and thoughtfully along the way. Therapists at Manhattan Wellness are there to help you if affirmations are bringing up powerful feelings or you feel like you need support on your self-compassion journey.
How therapy can support your relationship with yourself
Building self-esteem is less about convincing yourself you are perfect and more about developing a stable sense of worth that can hold both your strengths and your imperfections. Thoughtful use of affirmations can be one part of that journey, especially when they are realistic, value driven, and paired with action and self-compassion.
If you are struggling with harsh self-criticism or a painful sense of not being “enough,” you do not have to work on this alone. At Manhattan Wellness, our therapists can help you understand where your self beliefs came from, explore which practices actually support your nervous system and your goals, and design affirmation or self-compassion practices that feel authentic to you.
Rewriting the way you speak to yourself is hard work, but it is work you deserve.
- Learn more about how we can support you as grow your self-compassion and self-esteem:
- Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
- Learn More About Our Team of Therapists and Our Therapy Specialists
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