There are a lot of mixed emotions around holiday time. For some, it can bring joy and excitement, while for others it can also be a challenging time of navigating family dynamics. For this reason, the holidays can create an environment where we need to be able to set healthy boundaries with family during this time. It can be essential for maintaining your emotional well-being and boosting your self esteem during all of the gatherings your family plans. As NYC therapists, we get it. We are here to offer some tips on how to set and be able to maintain these boundaries, manage all of the holiday stress, and enjoy your time with your family to the fullest.
Communicate your boundaries
It’s important to understand what you want and need from the people you’re surrounded by. Once you’ve identified your boundaries, communicate them to family members as early as possible to avoid them not understanding or respecting you. This might include setting expectations for how long you’ll stay at a gathering, what topics you’re comfortable discussing, or even taking time away from the table to practice self-care to be able to get through the rest of the gathering. If someone brings up a topic you’re not comfortable discussing- like dating or work- let them know you’re not comfortable discussing it and change the subject. By setting expectations of what you’re comfortable with, you create a sense of clarity for family members and reduce the likelihood of conflict. Clear communication can also help you remain in control of your boundaries without feeling the need to defend or justify them. If you set the standard early on, the expectation that it is respected is out on the table.
Practice Self Care (before and after gatherings)
Self care is not selfish. It helps you cope with stress, allows you to function comfortably, and in turn makes you your best possible version of yourself. This then helps create and sustain healthier, happier relationships. Further, self-care can make a world of difference in how you handle stress and maintain your energy during the holidays. Building self-care routines into your schedule before and after family gatherings helps you recover and regroup to go back to family members after the fact. Self-care strategies like journaling, exercising, or practicing relaxation techniques can all help to ground yourself. Scheduling time alone or engaging in activities you enjoy after a family event can help to give you the space you need to recharge, especially if you get overwhelmed.
Let Go of Guilt
Setting boundaries can sometimes produce feelings of guilt associated with the narrative that you’re letting others down or not being as selfless as you’d usually be. Setting boundaries can specifically be hard if you come from a family that embodies closeness and dedication to one another. Remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health, even if it means not going to certain family events or saying no, especially during the holiday time. When we are constantly selfless, we have less of ourselves. If you are feeling guilt heavily, reframe that guilt by reminding yourself that you cannot show up for others if you are neglecting your own wellbeing. In this way, having boundaries can ultimately make you a better person and have healthier relationships.
Shut Down the Negative Talk
In an article written by Woman Against Negative Talk, the authors emphasize how “large family gatherings can be a cesspool for negative bonding sessions.”. Family members can feed off of each other’s negative comments, creating an overall unpleasant and untrusting environment. Women Against Negative Talk suggest that
“When you hear the members of your family griping about how “bad” they’ve eaten, counter that with a comment on how awesome your aunt’s cooking was, then ask about a recipe. When you notice a conversation about work is veering down a negative road, ask to hear about a hobby someone loves or a recent success. Lead with your own pragmatic positivity, and make a pact with yourself that you will not be roped into feeling bad about yourself just to fit in.”. Challenge yourself to be the voice of positivity!
Surround yourself with likeminded family members
An article written by the Edge highlights the importance of creating a signal with a family member that understands you. They note, “You know that favorite cousin we all have? Well, create a signal between the two of you when you need to be saved from a certain conversation. Let them know when to step in. This way, you can always count on someone to help you get out of conversations that are just simply not benefitting your well-being.” Surrounding yourself with likeminded people in your life and at these holiday gatherings can be a sense of support and comfort if a difficult topic comes up or you’re having trouble setting that boundary. Talk to that favorite cousin or other chosen family member beforehand and let them know you’re struggling.
Setting boundaries is very difficult and takes time, but that time is going to lead you into such a better headspace during the holiday gatherings coming up. The holiday season is a time for creating memories and celebrating with loved ones. Navigating family and friends can be difficult, but allowing yourself to find joy is also a big piece of setting the boundary. Practice setting those boundaries now so the holiday time can be a sense of joy rather than stress. Online therapy is an amazing resource to get ahead of the stressors of the holiday season and create those boundaries for yourself.
Ready to set those boundaries and have a stress-free holiday season?
- Contact Manhattan Wellness or email us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
- Schedule your first appointment with one of our amazing therapists who get it
- Invest in yourself so you can enjoy what the holiday season brings!
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