Ditching the Approval Addiction: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Prioritize Yourself

Have you ever said “yes” to a plan when you really wanted to say “no”? Do you take on extra projects at work despite being beyond your capacity? Are you frequently worried that your own actions or making decisions will upset other people? If so, you might be stuck in the cycle of people-pleasing. Learning to put yourself first isn’t selfish – it’s essential. Let’s talk about how to recognize and break people-pleasing patterns.

What is people pleasing? And why do we do it?

 “People pleasing” is the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and desires over our own, often at the expense of our mental and emotional health. It can often be rooted in seeking approval or avoiding any level of conflict. It can manifest as overcommitting, disregarding our feelings for someone else’s, or feeling responsible for others’ emotions. And, chronic people-pleasing can be harmful to your mental health – leading to burnout, resentment, and even a loss of identity. 

While being considerate is a positive trait, the core motivation for people pleasing is different. Being kind stems from genuine empathy and a desire to make others feel good, while people-pleasing is often driven by a fear of rejection or a need for external validation, and potentially occurs at the expense of our own needs. 

So… why do we do it? At its core, people-pleasing is often tied to self-worth. When validation comes from external sources, we feel compelled to meet others’ expectations – even at our own expense. Some of us might do this to feel loved or feel safe, or maybe it’s rooted in a fear of rejection so we’re compelled to avoid conflict. Society also reinforces the behavior, particularly for those conditioned to be caretakers or peacekeepers. This creates a cycle: approval brings temporary relief, but the need for validation returns. 

How to Stop People-Pleasing

We start to prioritize ourselves when we stop people-pleasing. Let’s talk about some ways to break the habit.

1) Accept Your People-Pleasing Patterns

This is harder than it sounds. If you recognize yourself as a people-pleaser, sit with that for a moment. Accepting your tendencies is the first step in putting space between yourself and the behavior. Now that you have a little space, ask yourself: When do I feel the need to please others? Is it with family? At work? With friends? Understanding your patterns will help you gain awareness of how and when you default to this habit. Also, reflect on why you do it. Are you afraid of disappointing others? Do you fear conflict? Identifying your motivations helps you begin to break the cycle.

2) Know That Making This Change Will Be Uncomfortable – At First

If people-pleasing is your norm, then it’s also your comfort zone. Breaking out of your comfort zone means that breaking this pattern will feel uncomfortable at first. Learning how to set healthy boundaries, say no, and prioritize yourself may bring up feelings of guilt or anxiety. But discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing!

Think about the first time you did something unfamiliar – like wearing a new pair of shoes. The first few wears might feel stiff or uncomfortable, but eventually, the shoes mold to your feet. Changing your people-pleasing habits works the same way. The discomfort is temporary, and the more you practice, the more comfortable and natural it feels.

3) Surround Yourself With Supportive People

As you begin prioritizing yourself, some people in your life may resist the change – especially if they’ve benefited from your people-pleasing. This is why having supportive people around you is key. Seek out those who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. Pay attention to who makes you feel valued for who you are and not just for what you do for them. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely support you makes it easier to set boundaries and gain comfort prioritizing yourself.

4) Tell People About Your Desire to Change

Making a change like this isn’t easy, and you don’t have to do it alone. Tell trusted friends, family, or a therapist about the shift you’re trying to make. Verbalizing it can help you to give yourself permission to bring change into your life, solidify your commitment, and create accountability. Plus, the people who truly care about you will want to support your journey. Having someone to remind you why you started when doubt creeps in can be invaluable.

5) Start with Small Changes

The key to change is starting small – big shifts can feel overwhelming, and if you try to overhaul everything at once, you might feel discouraged if it doesn’t go perfectly. Instead, set small, manageable goals. For example – next time you’re out at dinner with friends, make one decision about a shared dish rather than saying “I’m happy eating anything!” Or, next time you feel compelled to say “sorry” to a friend or colleague, replace it with “thank you for understanding.” Small wins build confidence, and over time, prioritizing yourself will feel less like a struggle and more like second nature.

People-pleasing is a habit that can feel deeply ingrained, but it’s not a life sentence. By identifying your patterns, embracing discomfort, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and seeking help when needed, you can break free from the cycle of approval addiction. Ready to take steps toward breaking free from people pleasing, and rediscover what it means to make decisions based on your own needs and values? Follow the below steps to get started with Manhattan Wellness!

1. Contact Manhattan Wellness or email us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
2. Schedule your first appointment with one of our amazing therapists who get it. 
3. Invest in yourself so you can enjoy what the college experience brings! 

We believe that you have the power within yourself to make the changes you want and find your version of success. Our female therapists are here to support you in navigating this journey. Allowing you to reclaim your identity and take control of your life. Thus allowing you to create the future you’ve been dreaming of.

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At Manhattan Wellness, we understand that with all the messages we receive from the world, it can be difficult to maintain a positive narrative about ourselves. From social media, movies, and even people close to us, it can be hard to drown out the negative. So much so that our inner critic takes over and we forget to show ourselves the same compassion as others. That’s why our female therapists want to support you in building the confidence you need to reach your highest potential. Let us help you create an empowering narrative that will benefit all aspects of your life, from personal to professional. If you are interested in beginning counseling for women:

1. Submit a Contact Form or Email Us at hello@manhattanwellness.org
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3. Begin Seeing Yourself in a Whole New Light!

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At Manhattan Wellness, our therapists are here to support you in navigating this journey and reclaiming your identity. So you can take control of your life and create the future you’ve been dreaming of. This is why we offer a variety of services to ensure you get the support, care, and guidance necessary. The therapy services we offer are Self-Esteem Counseling and Anxiety Treatment, along with Dating/Relationship Counseling, Counseling for College Students, and more. Feel as if you are not living the life you deserve? Let’s talk about it.