It’s common to feel frustrated when you find yourself scrolling through old photos of a person you had to leave behind. But ultimately, you left. For a good reason as well. You knew that the relationship wasn’t good for you; it was draining. The chaos and the exhaustion that came with it wasn’t worth it and it didn’t make you happy.
Somehow, you think about how they are doing, and whether or not they miss you. Yet why does it feel that your heart skips a beat when you think about them? Why do the lingering thoughts of “what-ifs” flood your mind? What’s the explanation behind this internal battle?
1. The connection stemmed from trauma
The bonds that arise with trauma come with deep emotional pain that is followed by affection. The paradox in this is that the comfort and distress can come from the same person, making the dynamic hard to navigate. Because of this cycle, your nervous system will interpret this person with threat and safety. This trauma-based attachment leads to love being set with conditioning.
This is why despite knowing the relationship was toxic, you find yourself “missing” them. But in reality, there is a lack of words to describe the cycle of trauma and immediate reconciliation.
It is very important to remind yourself that it is okay to know that it isn’t right for you, but still hurt and mourn what could have been. Allow yourself that space.
2. Intermitted Reinforcement
This is a type of condition where rewards are inconsistent, but yet walking away seems impossible. This powerful grip is a psychological term that keeps people hooked more than consistent rewards do. Unfortunately, this shows up in relationships, with the reward of love. The question of “Maybe things will change if I do this,” or “If I do this, maybe I’ll be seen.” This toxic cycle of “will they, won’t they” turns into a reward system, where you think fixing yourself to fit the other person’s unpredictable reward system isn’t healthy. But in withdrawals, when you are feeling down by yourself, you only associate them with their rewards.
It’s important to understand yourself and your boundaries. Identifying your needs can be fundamental to breaking this cycle. Prioritizing yourself and your needs, whether it be money, physical space, work, energy, and more can translate to rebuilding your relationship with your self-worth, which is also beneficial for all relationships in your life. By identifying your needs, rejecting the intermittent conditioning is easier to do, realizing those rewards can come from within, rather than someone else who picks and chooses how well they treat you.
Ultimately, missing a person doesn’t mean you’re going back to them — it means you’re human. Most of us develop these patterns as a way to survive, not to destroy. The key is bringing awareness to your behavior, showing yourself compassion, and being willing to choose differently, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Healing isn’t linear, and it takes time. But every small act of courage — every honest conversation, every moment you choose connection over fear — rewires your patterns and moves you closer to the kind of love you truly deserve.
THERAPY SERVICES FOR COUPLES WE OFFER IN MANHATTAN & BROOKLYN, NEW YORK
If your relationship could use some extra support, our team of trained couples therapists are here to help. We understand that every relationship is different and at times can be a bit complicated to navigate on your own. Do you find you and your partner having the ame disagreements over and over? Are you and your partner having difficulty communicating effectively? Our therapists are here to guide you and your partner to develop strategies for finding fulfillment in the life you are building together. Through therapy, you can gain insights into patterns of thinking and behavior, identify areas for growth and receive guidance on building a positive and meaningful life together.
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OTHER THERAPY SERVICES OFFERED IN MANHATTAN, BROOKLYN, & THROUGHOUT NEW YORK
At Manhattan Wellness, our therapists are here to support you in navigating life. This is why we offer a variety of services to ensure you get the support, care, and guidance necessary. The therapy services we offer are Therapy for Maternal Mental Health, Self-Esteem Counseling, and Anxiety Treatment. Along with Dating/Relationship Counseling, Counseling for College Students, and more. Feel as if you are not living the life you deserve? Let’s talk about it.
